24 May 2012

Resolutions (EN, pseudo-sync)

I’m not in the habit of making new year’s resolutions—some of my critics would say that’s understandable, seeing that I lack resolve ;-)  Truth be told, I actually make resolutions, but I seldom put them on paper, and now I see how that may be a problem, given that I miss a lot on monitoring and evaluation ;-)  The first time I put such resolutions on paper, almost 2 years ago, presented me with a terrible challenge:  within less than a month, the subject of my utmost priority simply escaped from within my grasp;  within 2 more weeks, so did the object of the (by far) second priority.  And I suffered dearly, for quite a long time…

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this year's first birthday present;  source:  personal archive
This past new year’s I once again put my thoughts and resolutions on paper, but I can see now they’re flawed, they’re faulty.  Within 3 months or so, the top 3 already became unachievable, almost pushing me back into a dark, depressive mood.  I guess I managed to shake that feeling, so I’m thinking I might exchange new year’s for birthday resolutions, and give this habit another chance :-)  My list is now shorter and more specific, as a result of experience, I guess :-)  And it’s now more about me and my feelings, rather than my place in the world and professional achievements…

But I’m scared, honestly, because too many of the failed resolutions in this recent past were also about me and my feelings, albeit in relation to very specific people.  This time, I’m going for absolute feelings, rather than relative—that’s more ambitious, less measurable, definitely more challenging!  But I’m willing to give it a try, even in spite of my clear understanding that I may fall even harder—I guess I don’t lack resolve, after all ;-)  Maybe I did learn, in the meanwhile, how to let go and move on?!?  Neah, it looks like I’m never gonna learn how to do that properly…

So I’ll just cling on to my favorite number, and continue with integrity to integrity, just as this big, new clock on my wall predicts, working on openness and transparency, as well as confidence/trust.  Evaluating myself against Tony Robbins’s speech, I think I got enough on creativity, but I need more work on determination and money.  I guess I cope well with certainty and variety, and I rank well on significance, but I’m still behind on connection and love.  I have my mind well set on my kind of contribution, but I need help to grow.  So what I (still) want is to love (and be loved by) a woman that’ll nurture my determination for growth!










PS  Thanks for the ~300 birthday wishes, cards, emails, letters, text messages and presents :-)  Y’all make my life so rich!!!  I’m honored, and I’m humbled…  Thank you!

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